Positive Self-talk Matters: 8 Ways to Up Your Positive Self-Talk
I’ve been noticing the way my friends, family, colleagues and loves ones speak about themselves lately. And even started tuning into my own internal dialogue a bit more…
And you can guess what I found right? Yep, we are often our biggest critics and our most negative detractors. I’ve heard it all:
“I’m probably stupid for thinking that”, ‘How can I be so dumb, not to know”, “It’s because I’m just lazy”, “I’m not smart enough to…”, “I don’t have the body for it”, “I’m not brave enough to…”, “I’m an idiot”. That last one comes out of my own mouth more often than I care to admit. Sadly.
But, as I started to tune into this kind of talk, first in myself, then in others, I really gotta let you friend, my tolerance for hearing these kinds of things has gotten reeeeaaaalllly low. The more I heard it, the less I could stomach it. And I’ve found myself actively avoiding this kind of talk. And that’s meant avoiding some people too.
But, I get it…
Amidst the constant demands and pressures of our lives - work, family, soccer practice, birthday parties, load-shedding and dance recitals - it's easy for negative self-talk to creep in and become our default internal voice. Because, let’s be real, most of the time we’re on hyper-autopilot. Switching to cruise control in life (and in how we speak and think about ourselves), is often the only choice we have to just get through the freaking day. #amen
But here’s what I’ve also observed in listening to women, listening to myself and coaching and mentoring women through all kinds of change - career, health, business - the meaner we are to ourselves, the more we erode our ability to build confidence and a more harmonious state of mental well-being. Whether it's doubting our abilities or berating ourselves for perceived shortcomings, negative self-talk can have detrimental effects, not just on our overall mental health, but on our innate ability to take care of ourselves on a very basic level.
Where I see negative self-talk have the most detrimental effects, however, is on our ability to trust ourselves to change. When we are trying to change something significant in our lives, and especially when we require that change to last, to be sustainable - talking shit about ourselves makes the process of change just THAT much harder. We become less able to recognise our wins, which slows down how quickly we learn and pivot when our plans for change don’t run smoothly, and the energetic toll of having to pull ourselves out from a cloud of negative self-talk takes a huge hit on our motivation.
I’ve always said this - and if you know, you know - words are one of the most powerful indicators of how our lives will feel. They possess incredible power because they directly shape our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. The way I see it is that our words are just an audio replay of what goes on in our minds. And what goes on in our minds - our thoughts - are the tape that plays the music of our lives. The music being, how we feel (our emotions) and how we act (our behaviour). So the harsher our words, the harsher our thoughts, the harsher our feelings about ourselves, and the harsher our behaviours toward ourselves.
So, when negative self-talk becomes a habit by playing that same negative tape over and over again, the more our self-doubt, low self-esteem, and self-sabotage grows. Diminishing our ability to find a kinder tape, and therefore kinder music.
Research shows that switching to more positive self-talk can increase life span, lower rates of depression, lower levels of distress, lead to better psychological and physical well-being, better cardiovascular health and reduce risk of death from cardiovascular disease and lead to better coping skills during hardships and times of stress.
So how would we define positive self-talk, anyway? Medical News Today describes it as an internal dialogue that makes a person feel good about themselves. And Psychology Today magazine elaborates on the difference between negative and positive self-talk, stating, “This inner voice combines conscious thoughts with unconscious beliefs and biases. It is useful when it is positive, talking down fears and bolstering confidence. But human nature is prone to negative self-talk, however, and this negativity can be unrealistic and even harmful; paralyzing people into inaction and self-absorption to the point of being unaware of the world around them”
Let’s talk about key strategies to make the shift out of negativity, and apply more of a positive self-talk approach to the way we think:
Shift from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion:
Self-criticism is often our default response when faced with setbacks or challenges. And most often stems from how we internalised feedback from our primary caretakers as a child. This feedback could have been directed to us, or overheard and therefore modeled to us. So, whether you were directly criticised as a child by a significant person in your life, or you simply saw someone you loved speak badly about themselves, both had a high chance of influencing you to be self-critical. However, research shows applying a more self-compassionate approach to how we speak to ourselves is far more effective in our goal achievement, growth, and healing. So, if compassion is our ability to be sensitive to someone else’s suffering or difficulty, then Self-compassion can be defined as our ability to be sensitive to our own suffering or difficulty. And therefore, treating ourselves with, and talking to ourselves with the same kindness and consideration as we would someone else. Even more effective when we speak to ourselves as we would someone we care about deeply. By replacing self-criticism with self-compassion, we are better placed to nurture and support ourselves even in the face of failure, obstacles, challenges, and doubt.
Increase your Self-Awareness:
By paying attention to our inner dialogue, we get better at identifying negative or self-critical thoughts. We’re able to get more vigilant about what constitutes a negative thought, that could lead to negative talk, vs identying positive thoughts and self-talk. Noticing in which situations, and under which triggers we are more likely to be harsh or judgmental towards ourselves, goes a long way to helping us manage our mind, when those situations arise in future.
Practice mindfulness:
On a related note to self-awareness, mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. When we are able to suspend judgment of our thoughts, we’re less likely to get caught up in the content of our thoughts. Mindfulness also helps us gently redirect our focus to more positive or neutral thoughts.
Challenge those Negative Thoughts:
Don’t be so quick to automatically believe everything you think. When you catch yourself having negative thoughts, challenge them by questioning how valid, factual, or true they are. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support these thoughts or if you're being too hard on yourself. 99.9% of the time, our minds are feeding us thoughts based on our insecurity and limiting beliefs, and not from a place of reality or fact. By challenging our thought, we have the ability to intercept them and replace them with more realistic and positive alternatives.
Practice Gratitude:
Create a gratitude practice by focusing on the things you appreciate and are grateful for in your life. This can come in many forms, from gratitude journaling, a gratitude meditation, or even prayer. The key to a gratitude practice that assists you in increasing your positive self-talk, is to focus on the things about yourself that you are thankful for & appreciate - Remind yourself of your strengths and your unique gifts, your accomplishments, and the positive aspects of your personality. This shift in focus, from how “bad” you are something, can help redirect our brain to all the good and counteract negative self-talk.
Surround Yourself with Positive Influences:
Submerging yourself in positive and inspirational influences is one of my personal favourite ways to pour in more positive forces in my life. I personally like to do this with great podcast content and being hyper-vigilant about what news I read and who I follow online, because I spend a lot of time there. But, whether it's supportive friends and family, uplifting books, motivational podcasts, or inspirational quotes, engaging in activities that make us feel good about ourselves help to create more feel-good thoughts and maintain a positive mindset.
Take Care of Your Well-being:
Prioritising physical and emotional self-care, like regular exercise, getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food, and managing stress can contribute to a more positive mindset. These are practical ways that we show our brain that we care for ourselves. Which creates a feedback loop, positively affecting our thinking, our emotions, and our behaviours.
Seek support if needed:
If you're struggling with negative self-talk or finding it difficult to make positive changes on your own, consider seeking support from a therapist, counsellor, or support group. There is NO shame in needing professional assistance, this can provide guidance, tools, and techniques tailored to your specific needs.
Speaking to ourselves like a good friend is the epitome of positive self-talk and self-kindness. If you remember anything, remember that ;)
Rox
xx
