The importance of self-ownership

I saw this post by @theeverymom’s instagram & reposted a few weeks back because the issue of unequal mental & physical load in domestic partnership is a HUGE concern of mine. Because, this is one of the top reasons I see so many women self-sabotage their personal development in coaching with me.

And while I vehemently disagree with “We all have the same 24hrs in the day” and the narrative around developing a 5am-rule morning and a rigid, fixed routine perpetuated by white privileged men. I also believe that as women, we need to take responsibility for what it is that we are signing up for when we take on that extra load.

Don’t click out just yet - hear me out…

Let’s start with unpacking the narrative that has been made popular by privileged (mostly) men around the idea of an early morning routine and this idea of a fixed structure to one’s day in order to be productive & fulfil our dreams & goals... It exists because of course, these are people who have been able to design their life in a way that looks similar to that.

BUT… for the most part, what this 5am-mentality does, is perpetuate an idea of a ritual or routine that is actually just not possible for most people. Most people being mothers, working mothers, working women, people of colour and communities or individuals who are not only taking care of themselves, but are taking care of their children, other people's children, their parents, they in-laws and members of their community. Because that's the world that the majority of us actually live in. And that's the reason I have such a huge concern with this 5am-mentality.

It’s a privileged mentality. But, I don't blame the men (and some women) who perpetuate this thinking, entirely.

Here’s why…

As women, especially, as women minorities, we need to acknowledge our part in all this. We need to take responsibility for what it is that we are signing up for as women.

Because, there are women who are running businesses with two year old toddlers. There are women who have two young kids and are able to work a job, have a hobby, take vacations on their own and get their hair done once a week. There are women who are able to work less hours, study further, start a business and enjoy a fulfilled wonderful life.

And those are just examples from women that I know. 

I am an example of one of those women…

I was working 12 hour days, stressed out with adrenal fatigue, in the hospital, dwindling relationships with my friends and my family and no idea what was happening in my own household, before I decided that just wasn't working for me anymore. Then, I made a conscious decision to no longer live that life. I began the process of putting in place a routine, habits, rituals and practices that could set me up so that I didn't have to live that life anymore.

No I did not start waking up at 5am, but I was able to design a life that felt comfortable for me.

How long did it take? Almost five years.

Was it easy? Fuck no.

It meant that I needed to invest in a some personal development - 3 coaches and a therapist.

It meant I needed to sacrifice things like my nieces birthday parties, dinner dates with friends, weekends away, public holidays, time with my family, manicures & massages, hair cuts and workouts, so that I could make time to study, write assignments and coach people.

It meant taking a 40% salary cut, while funding my own studies and not buying any new clothing for a whole year. Yes, this last part was probably the worst, lol.

So what I’m saying is…

Yes, the mental and physical load of women in the home, especially for women who have responsibilities outside of the home is a fuck lot. And, no the white male 5am-mentality doesn't suit us. And we should absolutely rejected it.

However, that doesn't make us powerless. Because we DO have the ability to start choosing the life that we want.
And we DO have the ability to build in a routine that does fit our life. What it requires, however, is us taking responsibility for asking for it.

And THAT is the reason we’ve been feeling like things are too much. Because we are not REQUIRING the help we need. We are not asking for it. We are not demanding it.

Of course, there are going to be difficulties. Of course, it's not going to be easy. Yes, money will be tight for the extra help in the house. Yes, there will be an argument around whose turn it is to fetch the kids, do the dishes, load the dishwasher, do the washing, hang it up, read to them before bed. Of course!

But it won't happen if we are not willing to ASK for it. If we are not willing to STATE OUR NEEDS. If we are not willing to NEGOTIATE. If we are not willing to give up playing the GIVER, the MARTYR, the HELPER.

It requires us to FINALLY start taking ownership. Not of everyone else's life, but of our OWN life.

This is why I don’t believe it’s entirely the fault of the outside structures. Because, as women, we’ve been TERRIBLE, at requiring things to be different.

And when I say REQUIRE, I mean we need to fucking ask for it!

We need to tell our families, our husbands, our mothers-in-law, our mothers, our children, that this is our time. We need to declare that time & HONOUR that time for ourselves.

And of course it’s not gonna go down easy the first time. Maybe not even the 10th time.

But, when you are sitting there feeling the guilt that comes with having to require it, needing to ask for it, getting into the argument about why or even getting into the argument about how it’s going to work, remind yourself which hard you'd rather have.

The hard where you're not asking for what you want and will never get it and will continue to remain resentful and frustrated? The hard where you’ll risk that resentment steeping into your marriage, relationships, friendships and responsibilities until it intoxicates them?

OR

The hard where you're building a muscle of asking for what you want, of gaining confidence and most of all, gaining the peace of mind you deserve - the solitude, the respect for yourself, the trust in your own word?

All of which will only be inspiration and motivation for whoever is watching:

• Your boys will learn that women deserve to have the load shared

• Your girls will learn that women deserve to ask for what they want and that they can get it (Can you imagine?!)

• Your mother will learn that all her hard work and her self-sacrifice wasn't in vain, because you are now able to do what she may not have been able to

• Your colleagues will learn that they can look at you as an example

• Your sisters, your nieces your community members and your husband will learn the rewards that come with a relaxed wife with a truly content wife 

And you will be the woman who can enjoy life more. A partner who isn't always frustrated. A mother who isn’t always exhausted. An employee who isn’t always disgruntled. A woman who is assertive enough to say what it is that she needs.

Wow - what a revelation that would be!