What I’m learning about boundaries & how to set them

Boundary setting is probably one of the most spoken about topics that comes up in personal development & emotional wellness. And certainly, a big topic of discussion brought into coaching with clients.

So many of us struggle to set and keep boundaries, we feel like we have no idea how to broach the topic with the people we’d like to set boundaries with and may not even be aware that we require some boundaries, in order to maintain healthy relationships with people.

And it got me reflecting on why boundaries are even important and some strategies for putting them in place.

Boundaries are like the Code of Conduct to our relationships…

If any of us have started at a new company, we’ve inevitably done some form of orientation and onboarding - formal or informal, written or verbal, or sometimes both! This could be the walk about the office to introduce you to everyone, tell you where the coffee cups are & what the “kitchen culture” is, or even a more intensive onboarding into the organizational values and attitudes, all the way down to what you’re “allowed” to wear and what your desk should look like.

All of these things are part of the “rules” for how to behave and interact in the organization.

And I like to think of boundary setting in our relationships, as a similar exercise.

Boundaries are the lines & fences that help us figure out what we’re ok within our relationships and what we’re not ok with. And inevitably lead to how we’d like to be treated and what we truly and deeply need from that relationship.

Now, when I say relationships, I mean all our relationships, not just the ones we have with our significant other. I’m talking friendships, boss-employee relationships, team & direct report relationships, freelancer relationships, parental & sibling relationships… all of it.

These lines and fences help us put a stake in the ground with regards to where we end and where others begin. It helps us to assert ourselves, protect our energy and make time for ourselves.

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they are selfish…

And that is simply NOT true, in fact, I’d go as far as to say the opposite. What I’m learning is that boundaries are actually put in place to ensure that when we do engage and interact with those we hold the boundary with, both parties get the BEST experience from that interaction!

Think about it…

When you’re feeling like someone is overstepping, asking too much from you, violating your space, privacy, or impeding on your family time or me-time, you automatically engage with them in a way that is filled with resentment, frustration, and even anger. That leads to agitation. And puts a cloud of negativity over the time you spend with them, or the time they’ve “taken” from you. An agitation, that even though the other party might not verbalize, they can surely sense.

This is why I believe boundaries are so important - because they are the little requests and behaviours that have the power to completely change how we show up in our relationships and how happy, fulfilled, energized, and engaged we feel in our relationships.

Yes, setting good boundaries is about protecting our needs, but it’s also about understanding each others’ communication styles and how to request the boundary you’re hoping to implement

Communication is a skill. And how you ask for something, can make all the difference in how that request is received. Knowing your own communication style, vs your partner, spouse, family, boss, etc, can be very helpful in ensuring that the way in which you ask for a boundary to be implemented, can be well received.

My favourite communications quiz is the DOPE Test which breaks down one’s communication style into one of 4 types of birds, i.e. The Dove, The Owl, The Peacock, or The Eagle. Based on the bird choices, I’m sure you can already figure out the key characteristics of each type. Take the test, then, you can read more about which bird you might be here.

For example, I’m a Peacock. I take up a lot of space and tend to interrupt people when they talk because I’m so excited to get my point across. I also tend to talk in feelings ( “I feel like you…”), as opposed to thoughts. My husband is an Owl, who is quiet, way more considered when he’s about to speak, as he prefers to think about what he’s going to say before he says it. He tends to talk in thoughts (“I think that you…”). Our biggest clashes, happen when I speak over him! (as you can imagine, it happens a lot!)

But when it comes to setting boundaries, I know I need to bring my excitability down a notch (or five, lol), give him time to think, and then speak and use language that resonates with him, i.e. “I think” language, that feels more rooted in fact for my Owl Hubbie, instead of my usual excitable feelings-speak.

You have to be able to be super clear on what it is that you actually need

When setting boundaries, saying what we really need can be challenging though, e.g. It’s hard to admit to your kids (and to yourself) that you need a whole weekend away from them in order to feel like yourself again. And it’s hard to admit this because we’ve bought into the narrative that when we become mothers, that “should” completely fulfill us. That we can no longer be the woman we were before kids. And to want that time alone is selfish, and we “should” feel guilty.

A great way to get clear on what your real needs are, and to help ease the guilt that can come with boundary setting, is to delve into WHY it’s important to your relationship with the party you’re trying to set the boundary with. For example, having designated me-time or time away from your partner and kids is a way for you to re-energize yourself so that you can be more present, less irritable, and show up more engaged in your role as a partner and mom.

So going away becomes less of an “I just need to be alone” weekend, and more of an “I need time to rest and re-energize”. The sentiments of these two needs-statements are very different. And can be the difference between getting the family on board with your next girls’ trip, or spending the entire weekend feeling “bad” because you’re away.

Setting boundaries is also about being self-aware enough to ensure the boundary is not being set out of resentment or spite…

Because that is often the way a boundary can be misinterpreted and the other party may resist it. This is a tough one, because MOST of the time, when we’re at the point where we’ve realized that we need to set a boundary, it’s already been violated, and we are not getting what we need from that relationship. So we may very well be quite resentful and frustrated already.

Reactively placing a boundary up may blind us to what our true need is from that relationships and prevent us from making a boundary that feels healthy and doable for both parties. And of course, there are times when a reactive boundary may be our only option. But it never has to remain our only option.

Revisiting the boundary request once all parties are calmer, may be a good way to discuss your needs and be clear on why this boundary will be mutually beneficial.

Happy boundary setting!

xx